Saturday, December 21, 2013

I found this tonight on the net so I borrowed it and put it here where someone might find it and find that it's helpful. I know how you feel, NO I really do! Because I've been there on quite a few occasions. It's harder than anyone can imagine, but if you feel this way just put it off a little and go and talk to someone who will take you seriously, a doctor, psychiatrist, go to a church or a hospital, go to someone you trust who will listen because you can't go through this on your own and there are people out there who can help, believe me on this one, it can and might well get better. There are so many things that you can achieve because you do have the strength, you just need a little helping hand, everyone does at some point. I've cut myself, I've stood on bridges, I've swallowed pills and thought of throwing myself under the wheels of a truck. Things are better for me now, I'm not rich, I'm still alone, but I've got great books still to read, great bands I'm discovering all the time, I'm helping people who are worse off than me, homeless and afraid. I try and do one thing each day that makes me feel human, even if it's just a walk through the park and sitting under a tree with a book. Life can be shit, I know, but simple things can make you "feel" again. I spent five whole, long, miserable years being mentally abused by someone who was supposed to love me, she didn't. I destroyed my world for her and she screwed me mentally and financially, she took away every last shred of happiness I had. I've still got to work in the same place as her every day, and it makes me angry and full of spite and hatred, but perversely the fury makes me want to survive and rub my new found reason to live in her smug, middle classes face. Can you tell how much I hate her? I'm sure you have similar feelings too. Use them to rebuild and there's nothing as satisfying as rubbing their faces in it be the pure fact that they HAVEN'T beaten you. No need to resort to violence, don't dwell on it but use it to feed your recovery.

I honestly and sincerely wish you happiness and peace. Live and be free.

100 Reasons To Why You Shouldn't Commit Suicide. 

  •  1. We would miss you.
  •  2. It's not worth the regret. Either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you.
  •  3. It does get better. Believe it or not it will eventually get better. Sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow.
  •  4. There's so much you would miss out on doing.
  •  5. There is always a reason to live. It might not be clear right now, but it is always there.
  •  6. So many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself.
  •  7. You ARE worth it. Don't let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.
  •  8. You are amazing.
  •  9. A time will come, once you've battled the toughest times of your life and are in ease once again, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. You will emerge stronger from this all, and won't regret your choice to carry on with life. Because things always get better.
  •  10. What about all the things you've always wanted to do? What about the things you've planned, but never got around to doing? You can't do them when you're dead.
  •  11. I love you. Even if only one person loves you, that's still a reason to stay alive.
  •  12. You won't be able to listen to music if you die.
  •  13. Killing yourself is never worth it. You'll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about.
  •  14. There are so many people that would miss you, including me.
  •  15. You're preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born.
  •  16. How do you think your family would feel? Would it improve their lives if you died?
  •  17. You're gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect.
  •  18. Think about your favourite music artist, you'll never hear their voice again...
  •  19. You'll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day
  •  20. Listening to incredibly loud music
  •  21. Being alive is just really good.
  •  22. Not being alive is really bad.
  •  23. Finding your soulmate.
  •  24. Red pandas
  •  25. Going to diners at three in the morning.
  •  26. Really soft pillows.
  •  27. Eating pizza in New York City.
  •  28. Proving people wrong with your success.
  •  29. Watching the jerks that doubted you fail at life.
  •  30. Seeing someone trip over a garbage can.
  •  31. Being able to help other people.
  •  32. Bonfires.
  •  33. Sitting on rooftops.
  •  34. Seeing every single country in the world.
  •  35. Going on roadtrips.
  •  36. You might win the lottery someday.
  •  37. Listening to music on a record player.
  •  38. Going to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  •  39. Taking really cool pictures.
  •  40. Literally meeting thousands of new people.
  •  41. Hearing crazy stories.
  •  42. Telling crazy stories.
  •  43. Eating ice cream on a hot day.
  •  44. More Harry Potter books could come out, you never know.
  •  45. Travelling to another planet someday.
  •  46. Having an underwater house.
  •  47. Randomly running into your hero on the street.
  •  48. Having your own room at a fancy hotel.
  •  49. Trampolines.
  •  50. Think about your favourite movie, you'll never watch it again.
  •  51. Think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke,
  •  52. Your survival will make the world better, even if it's for just one person or 20 or 100 or more.
  •  53. People do care.
  •  54. Treehouses
  •  55. Hanging out with your soul mate in a treehouse
  •  55. Snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees
  •  56. I don't even know you and I love you.
  •  57. I don't even know you and I care about you.
  •  58. Because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness!
  •  59. You won't be here to experience the first cat world emperor.
  •  61. Starbucks.
  •  62. Hugs.
  •  63. Stargazing.
  •  64. You have a purpose, and it's up to you to find out what it is.
  •  65. You've changed somebody's life.
  •  66. Now you could change the world.
  •  67. You will meet the person that's perfect for you.
  •  68. No matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you.
  •  69. You have the chance to save somebody's life.
  •  70. If you end your life, you're stopping yourself from achieving great things.
  •  71. Making snow angels.
  •  72. Making snowmen.
  •  73. Snowball fights.
  •  74. Life is what you make of it.
  •  75. Everybody has a talent.
  •  76. Laughing until you cry.
  •  77. Having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy.
  •  78. The world would not be the same if you didn't exist.
  •  79. Its possible to turn frowns, upside down
  •  80. Be yourself, don't take anyone's shit, and never let them take you alive.
  •  81. Heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. Be your own hero.
  •  82. Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.
  •  83. One day your smile will be real.
  •  84. Having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day.
  •  85. Lying on grass and laughing at the clouds.
  •  86. Getting completely smashed with your best friends.
  •  87. Eating crazy food.
  •  88. Staying up all night watching your favourite films with a loved one.
  •  89. Sleeping in all day.
  •  90. Creating something you're proud of.
  •  91. You can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn't commit
  •  92. Being able to meet your Internet friends.
  •  93. Tea / Coffee / Hot Chocolate
  •  94. Sherlock season three.
  •  95. Cuddling under the stars.
  •  96. Being stupid in public because you just can.
  •  97. If you are reading this then you are alive! Is there any more reason to smile?
  •  98. being able to hug that one person you havent seen in years
  •  99. People care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this.
  •  100. But, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. Because even if your life doesn't seem so great right now, literally anything could happen

Monday, August 12, 2013

Blood Meridian...

“A legion of horribles, hundreds in number, half naked or clad in costumes attic or biblical or wardrobed out of a fevered dream with the skins of animals and silk finery and pieces of uniform still tracked with the blood of prior owners, coats of slain dragoons, frogged and braided cavalry jackets, one in a stovepipe hat and one with an umbrella and one in white stockings and a bloodstained wedding veil and some in headgear or cranefeathers or rawhide helmets that bore the horns of bull or buffalo and one in a pigeontailed coat worn backwards and otherwise naked and one in the armor of a Spanish conquistador, the breastplate and pauldrons deeply dented with old blows of mace or sabre done in another country by men whose very bones were dust and many with their braids spliced up with the hair of other beasts until they trailed upon the ground and their horses' ears and tails worked with bits of brightly colored cloth and one whose horse's whole head was painted crimson red and all the horsemen's faces gaudy and grotesque with daubings like a company of mounted clowns, death hilarious, all howling in a barbarous tongue and riding down upon them like a horde from a hell more horrible yet than the brimstone land of Christian reckoning, screeching and yammering and clothed in smoke like those vaporous beings in regions beyond right knowing where the eye wanders and the lip jerks and drools.” 

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

"Gloomy is Sunday, with shadows I spend it all 

My heart and I have decided to end it all." 

Every day is like this these days

Sunday is gloomy
The hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows
I live with are numberless

Little white flowers
Will never awaken you
Not where the dark coach
Of sorrow has taken you

Angels have no thought
Of ever returning you
Would they be angry
If I thought of joining you?

Gloomy Sunday

Gloomy is Sunday
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I
Have decided to end it all

Soon there'll be prayers
And candles are lit I know
Let them not weep
Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul
I'll be blessing you

Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart here

Darling I hope
That my dream hasn't haunted you
My heart is telling you
How much I wanted you

Gloomy Sunday
is absolutely Gloomy Sunday
Gloomy Sunday

Saturday, August 03, 2013

Why the hell is this not available for Kindle?

Can't Save Me

I sold my soul just so I could feel paid
I broke my heart so I couldn't feel pain
I've lost my faith cause' I can't justify the weight
I've got no hope that's only for losers and fakes

I'm nothing but a user and an abuser
You don't wanna know what's on my mind
I know i'm just a fool but i'm not fooling
Not afraid to make a fool out of my self
And fuck your money
Fuck your fame
Fuck my life I walk away
And fuck our love
Fuck i'm sorry for everything I ever done
You can't save me
You better give your self to someone else
I'm just fallin' into my condition
You better put your time in something else
Save me but don't worry about it now
You better save your fucking self

I lost my mind just so I could escape
I still got time but I know it's too late
I still got friends to tell me i'm ok
I still alive but I keep on testin' fate

I'm nothing but a user and an abuser
You don't wanna know what's on my mind
I'm nothing but a fool but i'm not fooling
Not afraid to make a fool out of my self
And fuck your money
Fuck your fame
Fuck my life I walk away
And fuck our love
Fuck i'm sorry for anything i've ever done
You can't save me
You better give your self to someone else
I'm just fallin' into my condition
You better put your time in something else
Save me but don't worry about it now
You better save your fucking self

Try just a little understand what i'm telling you
I'm not what you think
I started off doing the right thing
Life got in the way
You don't know what to say
I'm not asking why

You can't save me
You better give your self to someone else
Fallin' into my condition
You better put your time in something else
Save me but don't worry about it now
You better save your fucking self


“I always thought when I got older that God would sort of come into my life in some way. He didn't. I don't blame him. If I was him I'd have the same opinion about me that he does.” 

Two Dreams

“I had two dreams about him after he died. I dont remember the first one all that well but it was about meetin him in town somewheres and he give me some money and I think I lost it. But the second one it was like we was both back in older times and I was on horseback goin through the mountains of a night. Goin through this pass in the mountains. It was cold and there was snow on the ground and he rode past me and kept on goin. Never said nothin. He just rode on past and he had this blanket wrapped around him and he had his head down and when he rode past I seen he was carryin fire in a horn the way people used to do and I could see the horn from the light inside of it. About the color of the moon. And in the dream I knew that he was goin on ahead and that he was fixin to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold and I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. And then I woke up.” 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Nearly there

The summer holiday is nearly here - time for lots of reflection and lots of rest. I've got six weeks to get my head back together and try and return to some form of normality, deal with a few personal issues and formulate a plan of some description that will create a reason to continue the daily and sometimes hourly battle of existence. 

Depression still looms over my shoulder, a devilish psychological vulture. If you haven't ever experienced this affliction you may find this image a good introduction to what anguish millions of souls go through. 

Friday, July 05, 2013

Pirelli and F1

Just thought it would be really funny, admit Pirelli

Pirelli thought having their tyres explode without warning at the British Grand Prix would be a total chucklefest.

Speaking after the race where several of its products were reduced to flailing strips of rubber even more useless than the Mclaren one of them was attached to, the Italian manufacturer admitted it just getting a bit jaded with the whole going-a-whole-race-distance-with-fully-inflated-tyres thing.

Head of rubber and shit, Giorgio Treadio said, “we were just a bit bored to be honest with you. So we decided to put explosive charges in a random selection of tyres.”

Just thought it would be really funny, admit Pirelli

                                                           "Who shall we fuck up next?"

“Then the guys had a sweepstake and whoever got the first car won the pot.”

“Plus we could all bet on how many we thought would go in total and that went to charity. It was a really fun family day: until everyone started moaning about people getting killed.”

Sunday’s event looked like being a finely balanced duel between the Mercedes of home favourite Lewis Hamilton and Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel before the British driver’s left rear was the first to go, earning Darren Fleetwood 23 pounds in Waterstones book vouchers.

Subsequent tyre terror saw drivers spear off track at frightening speed, Fernando Alonso’s head nearly get taken off by Sergio Perez’ errant tread but Great Ormond Street Hospital gain a cheque for £39.80.

“It’s not every day a children’s hospital gets nearly 50 quid from a bunch of strangers so I think the death warning and boycotting stuff was a bit of an over-reaction, frankly, ” continued Treadio.

“I mean; so we lose a couple of F1 drivers.  Have you ever *met* Nigel Mansell?”

“Exactly,” he added.

Courtesy of Pitflaps

Sunday, April 28, 2013


Spent my morning sorting out bags of clothes that contain items going back years. I've collected four sacks for the charity shop, discarding many pairs of jeans, shirts, T's and pullovers. Some memories to be found in old clothes even. Many memories are better in the trash bin but I hope someone finds comfort or even pleasure in them when they peruse the local PDSA - destination of these cast offs.
I have, however clung on to most of my tour and promo T Shirts with their logos and images - these are memories that I want to cling on to. Good times.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Great Story

I found this on a link via my Facebook page, and shared it with a few people in work, we were in stitches as I read it out to them, a great tale perfectly told.

I haven't posted on this blog for years and years, and I'm a little surprised its still here. A lot has happened to me in the intervening years and some I might care to mention if I choose to continue using this site. Most of what has happened has been bad, some awful, some tragic, people dear to me have died, and I have made many mistakes. I'm hoping to be starting out on a new chapter in my life, a bit of a clean page so to speak, perhaps I've got somewhere here to record some of the stuff that may or may not happen, hopes, dreams, fears. We'll see I guess.

For now I want to thank a few people who basically have saved my life.

Mum and Dad, Helen, Dave, Marla, Dave H, Dr. Proctor, the staff nurses and doctors at The University Hospital of Wales, and the memories of my dear Gran and Cal and Kitty.
No words can ever explain what I owe to this select group who have helped me, and guided me and bailed me out and fixed me when I was broken. To them all a sincere and heartfelt thank you.x